Many Are Called. Few Succeed. Manchester United: Beyond the Promised Land

Dearest ________,

It pains me to inform you that you've been eliminated from the competition of becoming Mrs. Right, and you've been reduced to a runner up in the competition for Mrs. Right Now. I'm sure you were aware, but you were pitted up against several other contestants, and only one of them made it to the final round. Sure several made it past stage 1 of the Mrs. Right Now competition, but only 1 could make it to the Mrs. Right final, and it wasn't you. However, since you look so good naked, I'll be sure to keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that I may assist you in having successful future romantic relations, please have a look at the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply ...

___ You have more hair on your lip than I have on my head. I don't like being tickled when I'm trying to shove my tongue down your throat.

___ Your name isn't exactly something that rolls off of the tongue in the midst of an intense love making session. For some reason, it reminds me of an old lady with no teeth and bad body odor.

___ Our dates cost too much and the physical reward is non existant. Put out or shut up you prude little skank.

___ The fact that you always mention the cobwebs around your coochie makes me wonder if you'll ever put out. It also makes me wonder how good your hygeine is.

___ I only have so many minutes on my cell phone plan, and I don't like allotting them all to 1 person. I don't care about how your day went, so save yourself the breath!

___ I'm a big guy...Yet somehow your legs are bigger than mine! Ever heard of exercising?

___ You think a slam dunk is something a Hockey player does. Do some research and learn to love Sports Center!

___ You are freakishly tall for a woman. You make me look like Webster.

___ You think this sports car is for taking you shopping. Get out of the car and make room for a woman who knows the term "Road Head".

___ You moved your shit into my house after the first kiss. It'll take at least some anal sex before I even consider sharing a house with you.

___ You compare me to your exboyfriend way too much. My dick is bigger. End of story!

___ I want you to look like Britney Spears...Not make me listen to her horrid tennybopping music!

___ Your frequent references to your ex-boyfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___ There's nothing normal about the fact that you can burp louder and fart more then me. If I wanted that, I'd date your brother!

___ You can fit your arm inside of it! I'd rather fuck something with friction than have it feel like I'm fucking a glass of water.

___ I'm so far out of your league that it's sick. Find somebody more average next time!

Sincerely,
The man that you just can't have!

P.S. Tell your sister I loved what she did with her tongue the other night. Maybe she can give you some pointers that might make you a little more desired by successful men such as myself!

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