When does John Arne Riise play in defence and when in midfield?
What is the point of Jermaine Pennant?
All is revealed in a secret equation discovered by Eurosport's inside hobo, who found a scrap of paper while rooting through the Anfield bins for cast-off Rolexes and Armani shirts.
The formula is based on the Schrodinger Equation in quantum physics - read on for an explanation of what it all means.
Si - (K+6) x Et(-G) = PiR²/12.45 + (Vp-J) B/A³
Si = Ability to speak Spanish
K = Kiss-and-tell expose in tabloids
6 = Player over six feet in height
E = Good engine
t = Solid performance in training
-G = Inverse of goals scored in last game
Pi = Carrying excess weight
R = Unprovoked rant at Premier League officials
12.45 = Saturday lunchtime kick-off
Vp = Confluence of Venus and Pluto in Capricorn
5I = Karaoke/Golf club incident
B = Goatee beard
A = Player is Alvaro Arbeloa
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