Many Are Called. Few Succeed. Manchester United: Beyond the Promised Land

Jose (Pepé) Reina
Netminder with an impressive 19 shutouts this regular season. Save average
of .854 in last five outs. Replaces New Jerzy Dudek as first-choice
goaltender after veteran's series of high-profile handling errors.
Nicknamed after Pepé Le Pew, the cheese-eating surrender skunk.

James 'The Minister Of Defense' Carragher
Captain of defense and native 'Scouser'. 2963 minutes of field time with
powerplay change-up stats of 5-6-3. Awesome displays in penalty zone versus
aerial offense plays. Awesome displays at club Christmas parties.
Distribution ranked only 245th in EPL. Note: communication may be difficult
as James does not speak English.

Steve O'Finnan
Defensive cornerback/outside linebacker ranked six in division for forward
offense running plays. Highly-rated change-up, groundspeed. 245 defensive
tackle ratio. Proud Irishman: merchandising opportunities with millions of
east coast Americans who are 1/64 from Cork. Vital cornerman, new shorts.

Sam Hyypia
Veteran centerblocker famed for aerial rebound ability, composureability,
although lacks change-up, questions over groundplay v forwards with
nimbleness quotient. Radical air with headbombs from special plays ensures
a conversions per season tally average of six. Hails from Finlandland, a
country in Europe that is part of the 'Axis Of Pleasantness'.

John-Arnold Riise
Cornerman who regularly features in goalshot of the month sweeps with a
left peg rated in top five nationwide for sweetness. Rookie, sophomore
seasons raised expectations of possible Hall of Famer status but recent
semesters have seen the person of redly-challenged hair demoted to bullpen
on occasion. 7-6-8.

Gerrard Steven
Team MVP, captain and midfielderman famed for power running, pass accuracy,
assists. Has dressed as center, right wingerbacker (offensive and
defensive) and even as secondary power forward. Can rush goal or sit back
in the pocket. Career high came in Pro-Ball showdown against the Milan
Tumblers in Istanbul (believed site of WMD).

Craig Bellamy
Controversial wide receiver/goal forward rated division's third most likely
player to face red card takedown in grudge slams. Lightning fast in joggy
work down winglines, although critics question net targeting infield. Has
switched franchises several times in career amid rumors of all-star level
jackassery.

Robert Bernard Fowler
Veteran strike attacker and all-time Liverpool Reds Hall of Famer. Once
considered league MVP for shotzone rebounds and accuracy in the paint.
Famously flagged on field for displaying his tight end to opponent Graeme
Le Saux, and for calling into question The War On Drugs.

Xabi Alonso (ITA)
6-5-7, 12, 468, 0.43, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 98632548, 1, 1, 0 (?), 0, 1. 0.3.

Jermaine Pennant
Wide receiver/running forward has rushed for over 1,000 yards in Liverpool
Reds rookie season. Crossfields delivery success rate well into
point-seven-ohs, play action, sprinty, jigglebomb, DUI. 6.662. Off-field
activities saw him given bum's rush from Steve Bruskowski's Birmingham
Brums. Only soccerplayer on roster with a sensible sportsman's name.

Peter Crouch Jr
Power forward who could have potential if consortium moves into NBA. Noted
for headbomb assists, ganglyhole, salmon leap, robotics. 0.673, runners
batted in, three points. Traded several times early in career but has
flourished under head coach Benitez at the Anfield Taco Bellodrome.