Many Are Called. Few Succeed. Manchester United: Beyond the Promised Land

Starship and Sharkey were cranking up the radiowaves back when i popped out. Its of little wonder why my name starts with an S. Lol.

Find out what songs were #1 when you were born on both the US/UK Charts HERE.

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight.

Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ, chicken fingers from Erie dining hall

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)

Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm

Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie (happy thanksgiving!)

Yes, the penis does shrink in cold water

It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for an a.m. erection

Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)

MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does

Howard Stern's Answer:
I'm afraid to answer that because the FCC would fine me for it! Wait until I'm on satellite radio, then I'll tell you

Jessica Simpson 's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

Bill Cosby's Answer:
Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops.

Homer Simpson 's Answer:
There was free beer on the other side of the road.

Snoop Dogg 's Answer:
This motherfuckin fool of a chicken didn't fuckin know what the fuck he was doin crossin a fuckin alley in fuckin Harlem at 1:00 in the fuckin mornin'.

John Kerry's Answer:
I agree that the chicken should cross the road, but I believe that the chicken should not get to the other side..

Gandhi 's Answer:
All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road.

Colin Powell 's Answer:
This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.

Saeed Sahaf (Former) Iraq Information Minister:
There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.

Jack Nicholson's Answer:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Secretary Cheney's Answer:
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

George Bush's Answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Shakespeare's Answer:
To cross or not to cross, that is the question.

Bill Gates' Answer:
I have just released eChicken 2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Martha Stewart's Answer:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question

John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Isaac Newton's Answer:
The duck suggested to the chicken that they play follow the leader then the duck crossed the road causing the chicken to cross after it, but at the same time holding up traffic, thus proving that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction .

Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?

Complete List Here

b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

2. Do you love me?
The proper response is "YES!", or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear".

Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love. (Clinton's response)
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

3. Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!"

Incorrect:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're thighs sure do make a lot of noise.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

4. Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question, I was thinking of the insurance money again.

5. What would you do if I died?
A definite no win question here. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a new Porsche.")

No matter how you answer this question, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up question, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not ... don't you like being married?
Man: Of course, I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you re-marry?
Man: OK, I'd get married again.
Woman: YOU WOULD (hurtful look on face)??
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with hers?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them, she is left handed.

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

1. You read an article about the Oscars or Golden Globes and realize you haven't seen any of the films (except the Indian entry) and don't really care about who gets what award.

2. You're watching TV and the romantic couple embrace at the end and you say, "OMYGOD! He kissed her RIGHT ON THE LIPS!! EEEUUUUWWWW!" and flip over to The Weather Channel out of sheer revulsion.

3. You've enabled the closed-captioning on your TV because things just don't seem right without subtitles.

4. The owner of the local Indian cinema emails you two weeks beforehand to let you know when advance tickets for the opening night of "Kaante" will go on sale. Just like he did for "Road" and "Devdas" and "Shakti" and ....

5. You read an article about a local cancer researcher, Dr. Patel, who looks a lot like Jimmy Shergill. When it gets to the life outside of work part, you discover he's single. Your very first thought is, "Wow, a Suitable Boy for Parul in Marketing!!!" Extra points awarded if you wonder how to get her parents introduced to his parents. Additional extra points awarded for not considering for a second how Parul and Dr. Patel should meet each other or any of that usual dating stuff. I mean, the parents know best, right?

6. Men: You look at the covers of magazines at the checkstand and start fantasizing about Halle Berry with 20 more pounds on her. Extra points awarded if you mentally rate Calista Flockhart "Two Woofs on the Dog-o-meter".

7. Women: You look at the covers of magazines at the checkstand and think "pathetic little fancy-lad" when you see Leonardo DiCaprio. Extra points awarded if you wonder what "Friends" would be like with attractive and likeable characters, like the ones in "Dil Vil Pyar Vyar".

8. Engineers: Half of the women in the office wear salwar kameez and you think nothing of it. Men: Extra points if you don't flirt with the single one that looks like Kajol in the next cube because, after all, she's a decent girl...

9. You go on a road trip with some friends in your car. They pull out your CD collection of soundtracks and ask you politely whether you have some other kind of music. Without a pause, you tell them you have some Malkit Singh the Bhangra King in the back of the CD case, right behind the Udit Narayan Greatest Hits Volumes 3 and 4.

10. Daler Mehndi music videos make sense, even Tunak Tunak Tun.

11. You go to a Hindi movie with your 9-year-old daughter, niece, etc. and there's no subtitles. You explain the plot and some of the dialogue to her as the film goes along, even though you don't speak Hindi. At the interval, I mean intermission, the Tamil woman behind you complements you on how well you must be speaking Hindi as she wasn't too sure about some of the plot points and used your "translation" to keep up with the film. True fact: this actually happened to someone I know.

12. The owner of the video/grocery store starts asking YOU which films he should carry.

You've stopped feeling guilty about your cheeseburger containing cheese and starting feeling guilty because it contains cow.)

13. The non-BW film ends after an hour and a half and you say,'what? we're just getting warmed up!'

14. You rent four DVDs and the indian woman behind the counter says, 'so i'll see you the day after tomorrow, then?'

15. You do the little head-bobble when you get excited

16. You drop your cable subscription

17. You decide 4 a.m. is a perfectly acceptable time to go to bed on a Tuesday.

18. You keep saying 'hah' instead of 'yes'

19. You realize you can sing along to certain songs, phonetically, without actually knowing hindi -- and you try to sing both the man and woman's parts in different voices. And then you realize the person in the car next to you is staring.

20. You spend way too much time wondering whether Aamir wears lifts.

21. Leonardo who?

22. When you are in the store and say to the owner, "I have the original Tamil DVD of this movie, if you'd like to borrow it."

23. The store owner says, "You watch more Hindi films than I do...is this a good movie?"

24. While sitting on the bus telling a non-Indian friend about the Hindi movies you own, the row of desis sitting behind you ask if they can rent from you (true story).

25. You think that Harrison Ford would be a really decent actor if he learned to dance.

26. Your favourite earrings are a pair of big silver hoops, and you wear your longish hair in a middle parting (who knows if a hero might inadvertently want to adorn you with sindoor, right?).

27. You come home from a party at 2am and watch KKHH.

28. Your local grocer starts chatting to you in Hindi.

29. A friend tells you they saw the two towers last night and you have no idea what they're talking about.

30. You go to Green Street, East Ham (vibrant Pakistani + Bengali part of east London) and catch yourself eyeing the young mens' noses, comparing them for loveliness against the standard of Shah Rukh's.

31. You sing to your cats in Hindi.

32. A friend (english) drops by and says 'isn't your taste moving in a kitsch direction'.

33. A friend (punjabi) drops by and says 'my mum would really like your drapes / sofa throw / shower curtain'.

34. When you listen to your favorite soundtrack, and know where each song was sung in the film.

35. When you find it refreshing to watch a movie in English.

36. When you tell your friends your dream guy is like the main character in "Itihaas History of Love."

37. When you try to fit nine to twelve hours of movie time into one day.

38. You can genuinely no longer understand why anyone would protest that the female singers' voices are too "squeaky."

39. You start to find wisecracks about the sudden costume- and location-changes in the dance numbers not only irritating, but downright juvenile.

40. You begin to believe that if Shahrukh sang, he really would sound like Udit Narayan.

Well i definitely aint a Bolly Addict. Are you?

Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post:

A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.

Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.

"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road.

Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me." He repeated the rape allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency.

His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.

Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness."

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally beaten and killed by his fellow partygoers.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem-you didn't see nothin'.

14. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

15. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (Dutch Oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back
and enjoy.

20. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

21. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

22. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

23. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

24. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F@ck OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

25. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.