Many Are Called. Few Succeed. Manchester United: Beyond the Promised Land

GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED
GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED
GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED
AS THE REDS GO MARCHING ON ON ON

Don't start that shit again

A woman has a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. When her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Then her husband comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
Lover Man says, "Yes, it is."
Little Boy - "I have a baseball."
Lover Man - "That's nice."
Little Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Lover Man - "No, thanks."
Little Boy - "My dad's outside."
Lover Man - "OK, how much?"
Little Boy - "$175.00"

A few weeks later, it happens again. The boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time says to the boy,
"Okay, how much?"
Boy - "$375.00"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy responds,"$550."
The father says, "That's terrible to take advantage of your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

Your dad is some sort of engineer or doctor.
Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
You know what's going to happen in every Hindi movie before it happens
You're father and grandfathers have hair on their ears
An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"
Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"
You either really, really want to go to NYU or really, really want to stay away from it
"You want a stereo! When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!"
Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
Your family owns a tennis racquet.
You buy corn oil by the gallon.
Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
You arrive one or two hours late to a party and think it's normal.
Everyone in your family has pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the Airport.
You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making long distance calls.
There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.
You have a 'Singer Brother' sewing machine at home.
Your mother has a minor disagreement with her (or your dad's) sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.
You hide everything from your parents.
Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
Everyone is a family friend.
You know no one who has studied music.
You went to a university as far away from home as possible.
You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
Your best friend got married at the age of 16.
You like the meat well done.
You eat onions with everything.
You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.
You say you hate Indian films but secretly watch them with your parents.
You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.
You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you're with but the waiters don't understand you.
You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.
You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light on".
You secure your baggage with a rope.
You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.
You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member of...the royal family.
You're parents would freak out if your sister wore a crop top baring her midriff...but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable
Your parents call all your friends "Beta" whether they are Indian or not
Your parent are panicking if you aren't married when you turn 25
Either you really like desis of the opposite sex or you can't stand them
Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds
A horoscope must decide your wedding date
Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day
You are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot"
Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried
You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried
You have cousins you have never met, whose names you don't know, but who insist they're related to you, even though they bear NO resemblance to...anyone YOU know.
Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.
You notice that whenever you go to another Indian's house, your parents always talk about work and business.
The second you pull out of someone's driveway, your parents start talking...about them.
Every few months your parents say when they're moving back to India
No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.
You're proud to be a desi - and you pass these jokes on to all your desi friends!

Dearest ________,

It pains me to inform you that you've been eliminated from the competition of becoming Mrs. Right, and you've been reduced to a runner up in the competition for Mrs. Right Now. I'm sure you were aware, but you were pitted up against several other contestants, and only one of them made it to the final round. Sure several made it past stage 1 of the Mrs. Right Now competition, but only 1 could make it to the Mrs. Right final, and it wasn't you. However, since you look so good naked, I'll be sure to keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that I may assist you in having successful future romantic relations, please have a look at the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply ...

___ You have more hair on your lip than I have on my head. I don't like being tickled when I'm trying to shove my tongue down your throat.

___ Your name isn't exactly something that rolls off of the tongue in the midst of an intense love making session. For some reason, it reminds me of an old lady with no teeth and bad body odor.

___ Our dates cost too much and the physical reward is non existant. Put out or shut up you prude little skank.

___ The fact that you always mention the cobwebs around your coochie makes me wonder if you'll ever put out. It also makes me wonder how good your hygeine is.

___ I only have so many minutes on my cell phone plan, and I don't like allotting them all to 1 person. I don't care about how your day went, so save yourself the breath!

___ I'm a big guy...Yet somehow your legs are bigger than mine! Ever heard of exercising?

___ You think a slam dunk is something a Hockey player does. Do some research and learn to love Sports Center!

___ You are freakishly tall for a woman. You make me look like Webster.

___ You think this sports car is for taking you shopping. Get out of the car and make room for a woman who knows the term "Road Head".

___ You moved your shit into my house after the first kiss. It'll take at least some anal sex before I even consider sharing a house with you.

___ You compare me to your exboyfriend way too much. My dick is bigger. End of story!

___ I want you to look like Britney Spears...Not make me listen to her horrid tennybopping music!

___ Your frequent references to your ex-boyfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___ There's nothing normal about the fact that you can burp louder and fart more then me. If I wanted that, I'd date your brother!

___ You can fit your arm inside of it! I'd rather fuck something with friction than have it feel like I'm fucking a glass of water.

___ I'm so far out of your league that it's sick. Find somebody more average next time!

Sincerely,
The man that you just can't have!

P.S. Tell your sister I loved what she did with her tongue the other night. Maybe she can give you some pointers that might make you a little more desired by successful men such as myself!

He was instructed by the judge to stand and identify himself for the purposes of the trial, but the grey-bearded figure, with his thick black hair combed stylishly to one side, was not having any of it.

Saddam Hussein (SH): Those who fought in God's cause will be victorious... I am at the mercy of God, the most powerful."

SH: I don't answer this so-called court, with all due respect, and I reserve my constitutional right as the president of the country of Iraq.

SH: "I don't acknowledge either the entity that authorises you, nor the aggression, because everything based on falsehood is falsehood."

Judge" Calm down Mr Hussein. You will get your chance to speak. For now just identify yourself.

After 3 hours of such defiance, the trial was adjourned to the 28th of November.

The Malaysian wonder woman, destined for greatness fullfilled the prophecy when she became the first Asian woman to win the Wimbledon of Squash, The British Open. She tamed the traditionally strong Australian contingent by disposing of the Grinham Sisters in the semi's and in the final itself. That left the English crowd awe struck and with little choice but give Nicol a standing ovation.

Ahh, Finally, another Malaysian champion and one who doesnt ply her trade in the badminton arena. It sure has been a long time coming. Especially now with the national hockey/badminton squad in tatters, this sure has served up belief in Malaysian sport just in the nick of time, i should add, before the SEA (South East Asian) Games kick off. Well done Nicol. ... And now for the world!